October 2012

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stefan_kador: (Default)
Tuesday, October 9th, 2012 03:13 pm
So I decided after a lot of thought to buy a binder, and it arrived today.

I'm wearing it right now, and while I wouldn't describe it as super-comfy, it's not really unpleasant. I'm going to keep it on for a few hours and see how it feels then. I didn't find it too hard to get on, having seen a couple of vids/posts on Tumblr about how to put one on (for the record, I stepped into it, and it was fairly easy. I don't have large hips or boobs, so pulling it up wasn't too difficult)..

It's a white tanktop 983. It doesn't make me board flat, small boobs or not, but to be honest I wasn't expecting that. It's enough for my purposes, I think. I'm not intending to wear it all day every day, at least, not as of now. Maybe I'll feel differently later, I don't know.. At the moment, I'm just thinking of using it from time to time, maybe at weekends. I do like the way it makes me look pretty flat, but I'm not that keen on the saggy boob effect which will eventually result. Much as I don't particularly like or want my boobs, they're not in themselves unattractive and I'm not keen on the idea of my nipples hanging down around the bottom of my ribcage! If I'm going to have them at all, I'd sooner they not be unpleasant to look at. Added to which, as I never wear a bra, I don't want them looking weird when I've got a teeshirt on or something.

Not to mention, if I did decide to go for top surgery (unlikely but possible) good skin elasticity would help to bring about a good result. So I'll see how it goes. It may be that I'll find I don't mind it as much as I thought.

I'll admit, I was pretty nervous about it before it arrived. Firstly because I was worried it would be too small. Measuring yourself isn't easy, especially when you're rather well-oiled on JD, as I was when I did it.But it seems to be okay in that respect. Also, well, I've been thinking so much about trans issues in regards to myself  but I'm still not wholly convinced I'm trans.

I mean, I am, but since I'm neither living as male nor intending to, and I don't seem to have the male brain so many trans males lay claim to, I still worry about taking even this small step. Perhaps, though, that's not the point. I'm not doing this for anyone but me.

There's a 40-something Youtuber name TommyB who is not FTM, but dresses in men's clothes and wants top surgery. She doesn't identify as male. In some ways I'm nearer to her than to the average trans male - for instance, I still think of myself as 'she' a lot of the time - but she only wants a flat chest, not to look physically male. When it comes to it, I would like a masculine body, but not necessarily a fully masculine mind or identity. But of course, you can't pick and choice your changes on T.

This is kind of why I bought the binder. I need to know if it helps. Wearing it, do I feel more male, less male, or the same as before? So far I like it, but I've only had it an hour or so, and not been out in public.  Maybe I'll try that tomorrow. As I'm on holiday, I can keep binding every day without causing comment from anyone who actually knows me as completely  female.

I'll see how it goes.
stefan_kador: (Default)
Wednesday, August 29th, 2012 11:24 am
Bought some new clothes - henley-style tops and a hoody, and camo cargo shorts, a few tees and short-sleeved shirts. Been wearing the shorts quite a bit off and on since the weather improved. I was never one for wearing shorts much until the last year or three but now I like it a lot. Legs are still pasty white, though :-)

I dug out some of my old jeans that I haven't worn for a while, too. Have to ring the changes a bit now and then. Wore a really nice dark blue pair of chino/cargo type trousers on Sunday, but they really emphasise my hips, which sucks. They're really too good for work

Still thinking I should buy a binder. Light layering makes me look reasonably flat, depending on what I'm wearing, and mostly I'm okay with that, but I'd really like to be properly flat sometimes, you know? I envy all these trans kids on Tumblr and Youtube who are flat-chested and look great. Then again, I'm not exactly a kid any more. But, still. It would be nice to be properly flat sometimes

Drawbacks are the obvious ones - long-term binding can be damaging to you, sometimes seriously. It doesn't happen to everyone, I would assume, it depends on your body/boob size/binding habits, but as top surgery isn't on my horizon at the moment, it's something to bear in mind. I wouldn't want to bind at work anyway, as it's a physical job, can be hot, and I'm not out as male. I don't think my workmates would really freak out that much, but I don't want to deal with the inevitable questions as to why I'm doing it. Particularly as I'm not 100% on my inner-maleness.

Will have to think more about this.
stefan_kador: (Default)
Sunday, July 15th, 2012 06:55 pm
Packing today (just a couple of socks). It's uncomfortable, but at the same time feels good because it looks right. Still not doing much about my chest - wearing a singlet under my teeshirt at the moment, with a jumper on top. I don't look flat, but the frontage isn't overly noticeable, either. Working on some makeshift binding ideas, while I decide whether or not a proper binder would be the right idea. I'm beginning to think it's worth a try.

I've more or less narrowed myself down to bi-gender/transmasculine, male-identifying but accepting female pronouns (I still call myself 'girl' and 'woman' when talking to myself,  or others, because that inconvenient female bit is still there). It doesn't really bother me, yet I still wince inside when my brother calls me his sister. I sometimes wonder whether he feels a sense of discordance when doing so, considering I have not worn female clothing since I was about 16. We've never talked about it much, if at all. Nobody in the family really bats an eye at this any more, if they ever did. But no one calls me 'he' or 'him'. It's kind of weird. I sometimes get mistaken for him, though he's several inches taller and balding ;-)

I wish I was thirty years younger, it would be so much easier to come out. Lots of people are doing it, and I probably never will. I can live with it, but it still makes me sad. I want that male body, that flat chest. I've been exercising with weights to build up my shoulders and toothpick arms, but without T I won't see much of a result. Still going to do it, though. I'm getting some results, I think - I have actual biceps not sparrow's kneecaps ;-D, though they sure ain't big biceps! But anything is better than nothing, and it can't hurt to get exercise in any form.

stefan_kador: (wolftotem)
Wednesday, June 20th, 2012 08:06 pm
So I've spent the past few days reading more about trans* issues and so forth, and thinking. Not been easy dealing with the whole possibility that hey, maybe I'm not trans after all. Because I still feel the same. Trans isn't a perfect fit, but it's the only label that mostly fits. I feel like 75% of me is male, 25% is vaguely female/other.  And since I've been this way for the past half-century, I don't think I'm going to change.

Not sure where that leaves me. I'm definitely seriously considering getting a binder, to see if that helps the way I feel. Still don't see myself attempting to transition in the near future, though.

Twenty years ago, looking back, I think I came as near to it as I ever will. It would have been a good age to go for it, I think - old enough to be certain, young enough to enjoy my new-found 'boyhood'.  By now, of course, I'd probably be bald and middle-aged, but I'd have grown into it. I suspect I'd look a lot like my brother. He's tall and lean and doesn't have a lot of hair left, though he has some. I think I'd still be the weird, socially awkward, somewhat introverted type I've always been, just a guy version. That would be fine with me.

But the transition horse fled the stable a long time ago. I'm pretty sure it's too late now.

Oh well.
stefan_kador: (wolftotem)
Saturday, June 16th, 2012 11:46 am
*brushes away the cobwebs*

Okay, so I've not posted here for a long while, obviously. I've been hanging out in Other Parts of the Internet. But I've been thinking about a lot of personal stuff which can't for various reasons be discussed in the places I usually hang out in, so I thought I'd come over here and post some of my thoughts. Maybe nobody is listening, but never mind.

Today I am exactly 51 years and 6 months old. I've always, from my earliest days, been very masculine identified. I ditched my bra when I was 15, started wearing all-male clothes when I was 17. Though I go my female pronouns and am not 'out' to anyone, I've never really considered myself female/a woman, and until relatively recently I kind of believed I was, if not unique, then certainly rare.

Well, of course, nowadays, the phenomenon known as transgender is relatively well-known. Back twenty or more years ago, I had heard of the concept, but I thought it applied only to male-to-females, as those were the people I had seen in a few documentaries/read about. I didn't know if it was possible to go the other way, or even feel like you wanted to, except that I did. Kind of.When I discovered, a little later, that ftms existed, I thought, 'great, maybe that's what I am'. At the same time, I didn't feel 100% male, and I was still romantically/emotionallyattracted to men, though not much interested in sex/relationships (and am still not).

So I thought, okay, maybe I'm a homosexual transsexual. But I still wasn't thinking about transitioning. I have some medical-related phobias that would make that difficult anyway, and though I dislike the femaleness of my body, I present pretty masculine albeit in a weedy100-pound weakling kind of way. I usually passed to strangers quite well a lot of the time without making a lot of effort, and I rarely bound my chest (it's fairly small anyway, and up until a few years ago I used to wear suits/jackets and tie, which are a lot easier to pass with). But I still used female pronouns, are lat least accepted them, even if inwardly they made me wince/feel wrong.

So, there I was, getting along with my life in a reasonably okay way, inwardly mostly male, outwardly a kind of male-looking/acting female. A few years ago I stopped wearing suits and changed instead to wearing tee-shirts/polo shirts and chinos or jeans. I felt less bothered by my toothpick arms/lack of muscle/manboobs, and things were going pretty well. I didn't much like the fact that I was getting older and going grey and getting ugly female-styles lines on my face and some trouble with my finger joints, but I could mostly live with it.

Then, a year or so ago, I started poking around on LJ, here and elsewhere, looking into the whole trans* thing, at first mostly out of curiosity. While I thought of myself as trans, there was still the whole non-transitioning thing. I wasn't, you know, sure. There was still this small percentage of me that felt vaguely female, even though I inwardly identified as male. I didn't hang out with guys much. I felt comfortable in female spaces. I wasn't binding every day and feeling desperately dysphoric. And by now I was hitting middle age, though i still felt pretty young.

Hitting the trans and ftm tags on tumblr, I found a lot of trans guys, almost all young, talking and writing about being trans and going though the rites of passage that constitutive ftm transition. I envied them. I envied their youth and their certainty, and I felt kind of... bogus. Like maybe I wasn't trans after all, just some ageing wannabe. On the other hand, I learned about social transitioning. Again, mostly young people, but I suppose that means most people my age have made up their minds already. I found a couple of older ftms, but I still felt like I didn't fit in. Surely, if I was truly ftm I would overcome my fear of medical stuff in order to transition.

So I wondered if maybe I'm butch, instead. But I still feel masculine identified, and I'm not a lesbian, so that seems to be out. The only term which seems to fit me is transmasculine, which would be fine, but now I feel really insecure about myself/my identity. I would like a male body. I've started, very late in life, to experiment with binding and packing. One of the problems I have is that I like to were teeshirts and while I have fairly modest-sized boobs which aren't hugely noticeable a lot of the time, my nipples are very, for want of a better word... pointy. They poke out quite a lot. So I'm trying out putting a small piece of dressing strip (plasters) over the nipples to make them less obvious. That does seem to help mask my chest a bit more. And I'm considering buying a proper binder. I've even been lifting weights - really small ones! *g* - to try to build up my toothpick arms a bit. I can't do much about my ugly scraggy female-looking neck and face though :-(

As far as being trans/ftm and transitioning, I feel like that ship sailed without me. Even if I transitioned tomorrow, whole and entire, I would never have the experience of being a young, strong guy, albeit a kind of scrawny and not very good-looking one. And I would still be gay. Gay trans guys don't seem to be very welcome in a lot of gay spaces, seeing as how many of us don't have 'proper' dicks. Not that I'm into sex that much. As a socially-transitioned gay trans guy, non-op, non-T, I guess I'd be even less welcome, which I can understand, since I wouldn't have the male body that gay men are attracted to.

So I'm fucked all round, it seems. Too male to be female, not male enough to be trans. I've never felt that bi-gender or genderfluid or any of those other identities described me. All that seems to be left is straight woman. And that's not me.

So who the fuck am I now?

When I work it out, I'll let you know.

I could, I suppose, socially transition. But given my age, is the hassle worth it?

stefan_kador: (Default)
Sunday, April 10th, 2011 11:13 am
The attack on LiveJournal is continuing. It's about time these DDOS idiots realised that attempting to stifle free speech in this way merely makes it blindingly obvious that their critics have a point. And the fact is, they're screwing up a lot of other people's enjoyment of the site, as well.

I don't know whether InsaneJournal is suffering any fallout from LJ's problems, because I couldn't log in there, either. So I'm here, instead, talking to myself.
stefan_kador: (Default)
Tuesday, February 22nd, 2011 12:19 pm
 I'm over at LJ under another username, and thought I'd set up an outpost here under a different moniker just for the hell of it. Dunno if I intend to keep this journal as an entirely separate entity or not. Probably won't post much, but there may be the odd ramble or icon post from time to time, perhaps even a bit of fic. If such an event should happen to occur, feel free to drop by and say something! :-)