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stefan_kador: (wolftotem)
Saturday, June 16th, 2012 11:46 am
*brushes away the cobwebs*

Okay, so I've not posted here for a long while, obviously. I've been hanging out in Other Parts of the Internet. But I've been thinking about a lot of personal stuff which can't for various reasons be discussed in the places I usually hang out in, so I thought I'd come over here and post some of my thoughts. Maybe nobody is listening, but never mind.

Today I am exactly 51 years and 6 months old. I've always, from my earliest days, been very masculine identified. I ditched my bra when I was 15, started wearing all-male clothes when I was 17. Though I go my female pronouns and am not 'out' to anyone, I've never really considered myself female/a woman, and until relatively recently I kind of believed I was, if not unique, then certainly rare.

Well, of course, nowadays, the phenomenon known as transgender is relatively well-known. Back twenty or more years ago, I had heard of the concept, but I thought it applied only to male-to-females, as those were the people I had seen in a few documentaries/read about. I didn't know if it was possible to go the other way, or even feel like you wanted to, except that I did. Kind of.When I discovered, a little later, that ftms existed, I thought, 'great, maybe that's what I am'. At the same time, I didn't feel 100% male, and I was still romantically/emotionallyattracted to men, though not much interested in sex/relationships (and am still not).

So I thought, okay, maybe I'm a homosexual transsexual. But I still wasn't thinking about transitioning. I have some medical-related phobias that would make that difficult anyway, and though I dislike the femaleness of my body, I present pretty masculine albeit in a weedy100-pound weakling kind of way. I usually passed to strangers quite well a lot of the time without making a lot of effort, and I rarely bound my chest (it's fairly small anyway, and up until a few years ago I used to wear suits/jackets and tie, which are a lot easier to pass with). But I still used female pronouns, are lat least accepted them, even if inwardly they made me wince/feel wrong.

So, there I was, getting along with my life in a reasonably okay way, inwardly mostly male, outwardly a kind of male-looking/acting female. A few years ago I stopped wearing suits and changed instead to wearing tee-shirts/polo shirts and chinos or jeans. I felt less bothered by my toothpick arms/lack of muscle/manboobs, and things were going pretty well. I didn't much like the fact that I was getting older and going grey and getting ugly female-styles lines on my face and some trouble with my finger joints, but I could mostly live with it.

Then, a year or so ago, I started poking around on LJ, here and elsewhere, looking into the whole trans* thing, at first mostly out of curiosity. While I thought of myself as trans, there was still the whole non-transitioning thing. I wasn't, you know, sure. There was still this small percentage of me that felt vaguely female, even though I inwardly identified as male. I didn't hang out with guys much. I felt comfortable in female spaces. I wasn't binding every day and feeling desperately dysphoric. And by now I was hitting middle age, though i still felt pretty young.

Hitting the trans and ftm tags on tumblr, I found a lot of trans guys, almost all young, talking and writing about being trans and going though the rites of passage that constitutive ftm transition. I envied them. I envied their youth and their certainty, and I felt kind of... bogus. Like maybe I wasn't trans after all, just some ageing wannabe. On the other hand, I learned about social transitioning. Again, mostly young people, but I suppose that means most people my age have made up their minds already. I found a couple of older ftms, but I still felt like I didn't fit in. Surely, if I was truly ftm I would overcome my fear of medical stuff in order to transition.

So I wondered if maybe I'm butch, instead. But I still feel masculine identified, and I'm not a lesbian, so that seems to be out. The only term which seems to fit me is transmasculine, which would be fine, but now I feel really insecure about myself/my identity. I would like a male body. I've started, very late in life, to experiment with binding and packing. One of the problems I have is that I like to were teeshirts and while I have fairly modest-sized boobs which aren't hugely noticeable a lot of the time, my nipples are very, for want of a better word... pointy. They poke out quite a lot. So I'm trying out putting a small piece of dressing strip (plasters) over the nipples to make them less obvious. That does seem to help mask my chest a bit more. And I'm considering buying a proper binder. I've even been lifting weights - really small ones! *g* - to try to build up my toothpick arms a bit. I can't do much about my ugly scraggy female-looking neck and face though :-(

As far as being trans/ftm and transitioning, I feel like that ship sailed without me. Even if I transitioned tomorrow, whole and entire, I would never have the experience of being a young, strong guy, albeit a kind of scrawny and not very good-looking one. And I would still be gay. Gay trans guys don't seem to be very welcome in a lot of gay spaces, seeing as how many of us don't have 'proper' dicks. Not that I'm into sex that much. As a socially-transitioned gay trans guy, non-op, non-T, I guess I'd be even less welcome, which I can understand, since I wouldn't have the male body that gay men are attracted to.

So I'm fucked all round, it seems. Too male to be female, not male enough to be trans. I've never felt that bi-gender or genderfluid or any of those other identities described me. All that seems to be left is straight woman. And that's not me.

So who the fuck am I now?

When I work it out, I'll let you know.

I could, I suppose, socially transition. But given my age, is the hassle worth it?