October 2012

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stefan_kador: (Default)
Sunday, July 15th, 2012 06:55 pm
Packing today (just a couple of socks). It's uncomfortable, but at the same time feels good because it looks right. Still not doing much about my chest - wearing a singlet under my teeshirt at the moment, with a jumper on top. I don't look flat, but the frontage isn't overly noticeable, either. Working on some makeshift binding ideas, while I decide whether or not a proper binder would be the right idea. I'm beginning to think it's worth a try.

I've more or less narrowed myself down to bi-gender/transmasculine, male-identifying but accepting female pronouns (I still call myself 'girl' and 'woman' when talking to myself,  or others, because that inconvenient female bit is still there). It doesn't really bother me, yet I still wince inside when my brother calls me his sister. I sometimes wonder whether he feels a sense of discordance when doing so, considering I have not worn female clothing since I was about 16. We've never talked about it much, if at all. Nobody in the family really bats an eye at this any more, if they ever did. But no one calls me 'he' or 'him'. It's kind of weird. I sometimes get mistaken for him, though he's several inches taller and balding ;-)

I wish I was thirty years younger, it would be so much easier to come out. Lots of people are doing it, and I probably never will. I can live with it, but it still makes me sad. I want that male body, that flat chest. I've been exercising with weights to build up my shoulders and toothpick arms, but without T I won't see much of a result. Still going to do it, though. I'm getting some results, I think - I have actual biceps not sparrow's kneecaps ;-D, though they sure ain't big biceps! But anything is better than nothing, and it can't hurt to get exercise in any form.

stefan_kador: (wolftotem)
Wednesday, June 20th, 2012 08:06 pm
So I've spent the past few days reading more about trans* issues and so forth, and thinking. Not been easy dealing with the whole possibility that hey, maybe I'm not trans after all. Because I still feel the same. Trans isn't a perfect fit, but it's the only label that mostly fits. I feel like 75% of me is male, 25% is vaguely female/other.  And since I've been this way for the past half-century, I don't think I'm going to change.

Not sure where that leaves me. I'm definitely seriously considering getting a binder, to see if that helps the way I feel. Still don't see myself attempting to transition in the near future, though.

Twenty years ago, looking back, I think I came as near to it as I ever will. It would have been a good age to go for it, I think - old enough to be certain, young enough to enjoy my new-found 'boyhood'.  By now, of course, I'd probably be bald and middle-aged, but I'd have grown into it. I suspect I'd look a lot like my brother. He's tall and lean and doesn't have a lot of hair left, though he has some. I think I'd still be the weird, socially awkward, somewhat introverted type I've always been, just a guy version. That would be fine with me.

But the transition horse fled the stable a long time ago. I'm pretty sure it's too late now.

Oh well.
stefan_kador: (wolftotem)
Saturday, June 16th, 2012 11:46 am
*brushes away the cobwebs*

Okay, so I've not posted here for a long while, obviously. I've been hanging out in Other Parts of the Internet. But I've been thinking about a lot of personal stuff which can't for various reasons be discussed in the places I usually hang out in, so I thought I'd come over here and post some of my thoughts. Maybe nobody is listening, but never mind.

Today I am exactly 51 years and 6 months old. I've always, from my earliest days, been very masculine identified. I ditched my bra when I was 15, started wearing all-male clothes when I was 17. Though I go my female pronouns and am not 'out' to anyone, I've never really considered myself female/a woman, and until relatively recently I kind of believed I was, if not unique, then certainly rare.

Well, of course, nowadays, the phenomenon known as transgender is relatively well-known. Back twenty or more years ago, I had heard of the concept, but I thought it applied only to male-to-females, as those were the people I had seen in a few documentaries/read about. I didn't know if it was possible to go the other way, or even feel like you wanted to, except that I did. Kind of.When I discovered, a little later, that ftms existed, I thought, 'great, maybe that's what I am'. At the same time, I didn't feel 100% male, and I was still romantically/emotionallyattracted to men, though not much interested in sex/relationships (and am still not).

So I thought, okay, maybe I'm a homosexual transsexual. But I still wasn't thinking about transitioning. I have some medical-related phobias that would make that difficult anyway, and though I dislike the femaleness of my body, I present pretty masculine albeit in a weedy100-pound weakling kind of way. I usually passed to strangers quite well a lot of the time without making a lot of effort, and I rarely bound my chest (it's fairly small anyway, and up until a few years ago I used to wear suits/jackets and tie, which are a lot easier to pass with). But I still used female pronouns, are lat least accepted them, even if inwardly they made me wince/feel wrong.

So, there I was, getting along with my life in a reasonably okay way, inwardly mostly male, outwardly a kind of male-looking/acting female. A few years ago I stopped wearing suits and changed instead to wearing tee-shirts/polo shirts and chinos or jeans. I felt less bothered by my toothpick arms/lack of muscle/manboobs, and things were going pretty well. I didn't much like the fact that I was getting older and going grey and getting ugly female-styles lines on my face and some trouble with my finger joints, but I could mostly live with it.

Then, a year or so ago, I started poking around on LJ, here and elsewhere, looking into the whole trans* thing, at first mostly out of curiosity. While I thought of myself as trans, there was still the whole non-transitioning thing. I wasn't, you know, sure. There was still this small percentage of me that felt vaguely female, even though I inwardly identified as male. I didn't hang out with guys much. I felt comfortable in female spaces. I wasn't binding every day and feeling desperately dysphoric. And by now I was hitting middle age, though i still felt pretty young.

Hitting the trans and ftm tags on tumblr, I found a lot of trans guys, almost all young, talking and writing about being trans and going though the rites of passage that constitutive ftm transition. I envied them. I envied their youth and their certainty, and I felt kind of... bogus. Like maybe I wasn't trans after all, just some ageing wannabe. On the other hand, I learned about social transitioning. Again, mostly young people, but I suppose that means most people my age have made up their minds already. I found a couple of older ftms, but I still felt like I didn't fit in. Surely, if I was truly ftm I would overcome my fear of medical stuff in order to transition.

So I wondered if maybe I'm butch, instead. But I still feel masculine identified, and I'm not a lesbian, so that seems to be out. The only term which seems to fit me is transmasculine, which would be fine, but now I feel really insecure about myself/my identity. I would like a male body. I've started, very late in life, to experiment with binding and packing. One of the problems I have is that I like to were teeshirts and while I have fairly modest-sized boobs which aren't hugely noticeable a lot of the time, my nipples are very, for want of a better word... pointy. They poke out quite a lot. So I'm trying out putting a small piece of dressing strip (plasters) over the nipples to make them less obvious. That does seem to help mask my chest a bit more. And I'm considering buying a proper binder. I've even been lifting weights - really small ones! *g* - to try to build up my toothpick arms a bit. I can't do much about my ugly scraggy female-looking neck and face though :-(

As far as being trans/ftm and transitioning, I feel like that ship sailed without me. Even if I transitioned tomorrow, whole and entire, I would never have the experience of being a young, strong guy, albeit a kind of scrawny and not very good-looking one. And I would still be gay. Gay trans guys don't seem to be very welcome in a lot of gay spaces, seeing as how many of us don't have 'proper' dicks. Not that I'm into sex that much. As a socially-transitioned gay trans guy, non-op, non-T, I guess I'd be even less welcome, which I can understand, since I wouldn't have the male body that gay men are attracted to.

So I'm fucked all round, it seems. Too male to be female, not male enough to be trans. I've never felt that bi-gender or genderfluid or any of those other identities described me. All that seems to be left is straight woman. And that's not me.

So who the fuck am I now?

When I work it out, I'll let you know.

I could, I suppose, socially transition. But given my age, is the hassle worth it?