October 2012

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stefan_kador: (Default)
Tuesday, October 9th, 2012 03:13 pm
So I decided after a lot of thought to buy a binder, and it arrived today.

I'm wearing it right now, and while I wouldn't describe it as super-comfy, it's not really unpleasant. I'm going to keep it on for a few hours and see how it feels then. I didn't find it too hard to get on, having seen a couple of vids/posts on Tumblr about how to put one on (for the record, I stepped into it, and it was fairly easy. I don't have large hips or boobs, so pulling it up wasn't too difficult)..

It's a white tanktop 983. It doesn't make me board flat, small boobs or not, but to be honest I wasn't expecting that. It's enough for my purposes, I think. I'm not intending to wear it all day every day, at least, not as of now. Maybe I'll feel differently later, I don't know.. At the moment, I'm just thinking of using it from time to time, maybe at weekends. I do like the way it makes me look pretty flat, but I'm not that keen on the saggy boob effect which will eventually result. Much as I don't particularly like or want my boobs, they're not in themselves unattractive and I'm not keen on the idea of my nipples hanging down around the bottom of my ribcage! If I'm going to have them at all, I'd sooner they not be unpleasant to look at. Added to which, as I never wear a bra, I don't want them looking weird when I've got a teeshirt on or something.

Not to mention, if I did decide to go for top surgery (unlikely but possible) good skin elasticity would help to bring about a good result. So I'll see how it goes. It may be that I'll find I don't mind it as much as I thought.

I'll admit, I was pretty nervous about it before it arrived. Firstly because I was worried it would be too small. Measuring yourself isn't easy, especially when you're rather well-oiled on JD, as I was when I did it.But it seems to be okay in that respect. Also, well, I've been thinking so much about trans issues in regards to myself  but I'm still not wholly convinced I'm trans.

I mean, I am, but since I'm neither living as male nor intending to, and I don't seem to have the male brain so many trans males lay claim to, I still worry about taking even this small step. Perhaps, though, that's not the point. I'm not doing this for anyone but me.

There's a 40-something Youtuber name TommyB who is not FTM, but dresses in men's clothes and wants top surgery. She doesn't identify as male. In some ways I'm nearer to her than to the average trans male - for instance, I still think of myself as 'she' a lot of the time - but she only wants a flat chest, not to look physically male. When it comes to it, I would like a masculine body, but not necessarily a fully masculine mind or identity. But of course, you can't pick and choice your changes on T.

This is kind of why I bought the binder. I need to know if it helps. Wearing it, do I feel more male, less male, or the same as before? So far I like it, but I've only had it an hour or so, and not been out in public.  Maybe I'll try that tomorrow. As I'm on holiday, I can keep binding every day without causing comment from anyone who actually knows me as completely  female.

I'll see how it goes.
stefan_kador: (Default)
Sunday, July 15th, 2012 06:55 pm
Packing today (just a couple of socks). It's uncomfortable, but at the same time feels good because it looks right. Still not doing much about my chest - wearing a singlet under my teeshirt at the moment, with a jumper on top. I don't look flat, but the frontage isn't overly noticeable, either. Working on some makeshift binding ideas, while I decide whether or not a proper binder would be the right idea. I'm beginning to think it's worth a try.

I've more or less narrowed myself down to bi-gender/transmasculine, male-identifying but accepting female pronouns (I still call myself 'girl' and 'woman' when talking to myself,  or others, because that inconvenient female bit is still there). It doesn't really bother me, yet I still wince inside when my brother calls me his sister. I sometimes wonder whether he feels a sense of discordance when doing so, considering I have not worn female clothing since I was about 16. We've never talked about it much, if at all. Nobody in the family really bats an eye at this any more, if they ever did. But no one calls me 'he' or 'him'. It's kind of weird. I sometimes get mistaken for him, though he's several inches taller and balding ;-)

I wish I was thirty years younger, it would be so much easier to come out. Lots of people are doing it, and I probably never will. I can live with it, but it still makes me sad. I want that male body, that flat chest. I've been exercising with weights to build up my shoulders and toothpick arms, but without T I won't see much of a result. Still going to do it, though. I'm getting some results, I think - I have actual biceps not sparrow's kneecaps ;-D, though they sure ain't big biceps! But anything is better than nothing, and it can't hurt to get exercise in any form.