October 2012

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October 9th, 2012

stefan_kador: (Default)
Tuesday, October 9th, 2012 03:13 pm
So I decided after a lot of thought to buy a binder, and it arrived today.

I'm wearing it right now, and while I wouldn't describe it as super-comfy, it's not really unpleasant. I'm going to keep it on for a few hours and see how it feels then. I didn't find it too hard to get on, having seen a couple of vids/posts on Tumblr about how to put one on (for the record, I stepped into it, and it was fairly easy. I don't have large hips or boobs, so pulling it up wasn't too difficult)..

It's a white tanktop 983. It doesn't make me board flat, small boobs or not, but to be honest I wasn't expecting that. It's enough for my purposes, I think. I'm not intending to wear it all day every day, at least, not as of now. Maybe I'll feel differently later, I don't know.. At the moment, I'm just thinking of using it from time to time, maybe at weekends. I do like the way it makes me look pretty flat, but I'm not that keen on the saggy boob effect which will eventually result. Much as I don't particularly like or want my boobs, they're not in themselves unattractive and I'm not keen on the idea of my nipples hanging down around the bottom of my ribcage! If I'm going to have them at all, I'd sooner they not be unpleasant to look at. Added to which, as I never wear a bra, I don't want them looking weird when I've got a teeshirt on or something.

Not to mention, if I did decide to go for top surgery (unlikely but possible) good skin elasticity would help to bring about a good result. So I'll see how it goes. It may be that I'll find I don't mind it as much as I thought.

I'll admit, I was pretty nervous about it before it arrived. Firstly because I was worried it would be too small. Measuring yourself isn't easy, especially when you're rather well-oiled on JD, as I was when I did it.But it seems to be okay in that respect. Also, well, I've been thinking so much about trans issues in regards to myself  but I'm still not wholly convinced I'm trans.

I mean, I am, but since I'm neither living as male nor intending to, and I don't seem to have the male brain so many trans males lay claim to, I still worry about taking even this small step. Perhaps, though, that's not the point. I'm not doing this for anyone but me.

There's a 40-something Youtuber name TommyB who is not FTM, but dresses in men's clothes and wants top surgery. She doesn't identify as male. In some ways I'm nearer to her than to the average trans male - for instance, I still think of myself as 'she' a lot of the time - but she only wants a flat chest, not to look physically male. When it comes to it, I would like a masculine body, but not necessarily a fully masculine mind or identity. But of course, you can't pick and choice your changes on T.

This is kind of why I bought the binder. I need to know if it helps. Wearing it, do I feel more male, less male, or the same as before? So far I like it, but I've only had it an hour or so, and not been out in public.  Maybe I'll try that tomorrow. As I'm on holiday, I can keep binding every day without causing comment from anyone who actually knows me as completely  female.

I'll see how it goes.