October 2012

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Sunday, July 15th, 2012 06:55 pm
Packing today (just a couple of socks). It's uncomfortable, but at the same time feels good because it looks right. Still not doing much about my chest - wearing a singlet under my teeshirt at the moment, with a jumper on top. I don't look flat, but the frontage isn't overly noticeable, either. Working on some makeshift binding ideas, while I decide whether or not a proper binder would be the right idea. I'm beginning to think it's worth a try.

I've more or less narrowed myself down to bi-gender/transmasculine, male-identifying but accepting female pronouns (I still call myself 'girl' and 'woman' when talking to myself,  or others, because that inconvenient female bit is still there). It doesn't really bother me, yet I still wince inside when my brother calls me his sister. I sometimes wonder whether he feels a sense of discordance when doing so, considering I have not worn female clothing since I was about 16. We've never talked about it much, if at all. Nobody in the family really bats an eye at this any more, if they ever did. But no one calls me 'he' or 'him'. It's kind of weird. I sometimes get mistaken for him, though he's several inches taller and balding ;-)

I wish I was thirty years younger, it would be so much easier to come out. Lots of people are doing it, and I probably never will. I can live with it, but it still makes me sad. I want that male body, that flat chest. I've been exercising with weights to build up my shoulders and toothpick arms, but without T I won't see much of a result. Still going to do it, though. I'm getting some results, I think - I have actual biceps not sparrow's kneecaps ;-D, though they sure ain't big biceps! But anything is better than nothing, and it can't hurt to get exercise in any form.